Just in case you missed it on Teddy's blog:
http://teddylovestreats.blogspot.com/2011/03/letter-to-my-baby.html
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Bullying sucks
We had an assembly today. I remember as kids there was nothing better than an assembly. Mainly because you get out of class. In fact, I think when we were headed back to class we felt a little disappointed, not because we had to go back to class but because the assemblies were usually a letdown. Today's assembly was about bullying. It seems that this year especially we have spend a considerable amount of time talking with kids about bullying and what they can do to help improve the school culture. More than ever before it seems like this message is falling on deaf ears. I think kids know all the answers adults want to hear when it comes time to talk about bullying and how to decrease those behaviors but I also get the sense that they are humoring us. "Bullying can leave lifelong scars." "The bullies do it for attention." "The bullies may have sad lives at home." Kids have heard this message before but they seem numb to the subject.
I don't think this means that kids don't care. Why bullying is such a problem is a whole other subject. Changes in technology? Popular culture that glorifies and rewards the "mean kids"? A numbness to the feelings of others due to ________ (absent parents, violent video games, high fructose corn syrup)? Whatever the reason bullying is rampant in our schools, I think kids do care about the problem, it just is so very, very big. If I'm feeling helpless, how must they feel?
The presentation was good today. Fresh voice, energetic speaker with a story of his own, et cetera. The difference today was that this was the first time I've talked about bullying as a mother. Though I was sitting in a gym surrounded by middle school children, my thoughts the entire time were on Camille. And I just felt like crying. This ache settled deep in my bones for her and I felt like I couldn't breathe properly. I had to really fight to stay in control because crying in front of a middle schoolers is really embarrassing.
I just can't take the thought that someone could be mean to her. Someone someday might say something to her that hurts her. Or scares her. Or makes her doubt her worth. The thought makes my skin crawl. As I was listening to the presentation, watching video clips of kids at schools across the country, I started thinking about private school. How much would it cost? Could we consider that as an option to protect her? But I can't protect her. Not really. At some point in her life, she is going to figure it out. Even if I shelter her from reality as long as possible she will come across meanness in this world. She will discover eventually that not everyone is kind, not everyone is considerate, not everyone cares about her feelings.
I don't know who my girl will become. But I pray with all my might that whether butcher, baker or candlestick maker that she be kind. That she cares for her fellow man. That she have empathy. I pray she'll embrace diversity and respect people when they are different than she. And I pray that somehow, we'll teach her how to respond when she realizes that not all rest of the world is like that.
The assembly did speak to me about my own actions and behaviors as well. On the drive home, another driver "merged" into my lane in a way that should better be described as "barging in without looking at a really unsafe speed and with total disregard for lines on the road and traffic laws". I believe I said something to the affect of, "nice driving, jerko." Little ears will soon be in the car with me and will understand not just that what I said was mean, but also how easily I judged, criticized, ridiculed and condemned someone who made a mistake. I treated a total stranger as if he had no feelings. And I do it all the time. How can I expect my daughter to respect people who make mistakes, to be courteous to others, if I toss insults around without a second thought? How can I expect my daughter to be sensitive to others' feelings if I laugh and joke at TV shows whose entire purpose is to mock people? Just because I don't know someone personally doesn't take away my responsibility to respect him or her. I need to clean up my act, and quickly. She can't talk yet, but my baby can hear. She can understand. And she is learning every day about the world around her.
I don't think this means that kids don't care. Why bullying is such a problem is a whole other subject. Changes in technology? Popular culture that glorifies and rewards the "mean kids"? A numbness to the feelings of others due to ________ (absent parents, violent video games, high fructose corn syrup)? Whatever the reason bullying is rampant in our schools, I think kids do care about the problem, it just is so very, very big. If I'm feeling helpless, how must they feel?
The presentation was good today. Fresh voice, energetic speaker with a story of his own, et cetera. The difference today was that this was the first time I've talked about bullying as a mother. Though I was sitting in a gym surrounded by middle school children, my thoughts the entire time were on Camille. And I just felt like crying. This ache settled deep in my bones for her and I felt like I couldn't breathe properly. I had to really fight to stay in control because crying in front of a middle schoolers is really embarrassing.
I just can't take the thought that someone could be mean to her. Someone someday might say something to her that hurts her. Or scares her. Or makes her doubt her worth. The thought makes my skin crawl. As I was listening to the presentation, watching video clips of kids at schools across the country, I started thinking about private school. How much would it cost? Could we consider that as an option to protect her? But I can't protect her. Not really. At some point in her life, she is going to figure it out. Even if I shelter her from reality as long as possible she will come across meanness in this world. She will discover eventually that not everyone is kind, not everyone is considerate, not everyone cares about her feelings.
I don't know who my girl will become. But I pray with all my might that whether butcher, baker or candlestick maker that she be kind. That she cares for her fellow man. That she have empathy. I pray she'll embrace diversity and respect people when they are different than she. And I pray that somehow, we'll teach her how to respond when she realizes that not all rest of the world is like that.
The assembly did speak to me about my own actions and behaviors as well. On the drive home, another driver "merged" into my lane in a way that should better be described as "barging in without looking at a really unsafe speed and with total disregard for lines on the road and traffic laws". I believe I said something to the affect of, "nice driving, jerko." Little ears will soon be in the car with me and will understand not just that what I said was mean, but also how easily I judged, criticized, ridiculed and condemned someone who made a mistake. I treated a total stranger as if he had no feelings. And I do it all the time. How can I expect my daughter to respect people who make mistakes, to be courteous to others, if I toss insults around without a second thought? How can I expect my daughter to be sensitive to others' feelings if I laugh and joke at TV shows whose entire purpose is to mock people? Just because I don't know someone personally doesn't take away my responsibility to respect him or her. I need to clean up my act, and quickly. She can't talk yet, but my baby can hear. She can understand. And she is learning every day about the world around her.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The time has come
Oh man, I've been dreading this post. I haven't posted in a long time because I have been composing it in my head, knowing that after this post, everything will be very, very different. Before this post, I was a stay at home mommy and after, I'll be a working mommy. I could get all negative and mopey about returning to work, and that would be true to how I'm feeling, but instead I'd like to at least try to find some positives.
What I will miss when I return to work is obvious. My baby girl is slowly moving out of the fragile, baby stage into the fun, exciting stage. Everything she does enthralls her. Finding her feet, pulling on her tights, trying her darndest to flip onto her tummy. I'll just plain miss watching her. And holding her. Our new fun thing is to look at mirrors. I hold her and she grins and grins, trying to figure it out. Is mommy holding me, or is she in there? So fun.
At six and a half months, Camille is just awesome. She can flip from her tummy to her back without a pause and just recently learned that her feet will reach all the way to her mouth. She is eating rice cereal and seems to really enjoy the new texture and taste. She is a bouncing machine in her jumperoo and adores the pink bear that Grannie and Grandpa gave her that sings. She falls asleep for her naps within minutes and can sleep all night without needing attention from us. She still wakes up periodically, but can put herself back to sleep in usually 10 minutes.
She is constantly smiling. When she wakes up, when she eats, when playing with a toy, when looking at Teddy. My favorite is when we put her on the changing table to get her sleep sack on before bed. Daddy reads from a book while I get her in the sleep sack and she always looks back towards him the second you lay her down, because she's looking for Bill to start reading. And she grins this huge grin. Baby Girl loves her daddy.
It will be so amazing to have Bill take over because he is the kind of dad every kid wants. He is goofy, he is fun, he is devoted, and he completely adores her. Bill will now understand how fast time can really go.
Even though there is so much that I will miss there are actually some things that I will not miss.
1. Washing baby dishes. I pump and give her a bottle every time I feed her. That equals a lot of pump parts and bottles to wash and sterilize. My hands are like sand paper. When Camille goes down for her nap, I spend 20 minutes washing everything. I will not miss that.
2. Playing the guessing game. What time will she wake up? How long will she sleep? When will she want to eat? If she wakes up at this time, will we have time to eat before we need to leave? What if she only sleeps 35 minutes? Will we need another nap before dinner? Ugh.
3. Teddy's eyes. That dog has been staring at me with those huge chocolate eyes for months with such a look of disappointment. I'm home, yet he is ignored. He doesn't even get excited about walks anymore because they are so infrequent (thank you rain and unpredictable schedule).
4. The elusive nap. I am a terrible napper. A nap has to find me, not the other way around. I'll be just starting to drift, you know that moment that feels so good as you are just starting to fall asleep? Then I hear her on the monitor. Bill always seems mystified that I didn't take more naps during my maternity leave, especially when I was up three times a night. My naps now will be intentional. And successful. And probably just as infrequent.
5. Online shopping. It is so, so easy, and so, so dangerous. I need a new book. Zing! It arrives on my doorstep. Camille needs a new _____. Zing! Two days later it is here! I've never been patient and free two day shipping at Amazon is a scary, scary thing for stay at home mommies.
6. Grizzly, Chaucer, and Emmy. Those damn (sorry) dogs have been driving me apeshit since Camille's napping became more predictable. Grizzly is the German Shepherd with completely moronic owners who let him run around off leash. Grizzly thinks people calling him or trying to get him to come in is a hilarious game, which makes his owners yelling "Grizzly" constantly completely counterproductive, as Grizzly just runs the other way. Chaucer and Emmy are the dogs across the street who are never allowed off leash or out of their yard and bark non stop when they see Grizzly strutting around the street or turning cookies in our grass. Miraculously they've never woken Camille but they've caused my blood pressure to sky rocket, made even worse when I talk to Grizzly's owners and hear, "We try to get him in and he never comes." Maddening.
That's it. Those things are the ONLY things I will not miss. Everything else I will miss terribly. Camille and I will never get to spend this much one on one time together again unless one of us is sick, which would completely suck. I am completely blessed to have been able to spend 7 months with her and I know how lucky, lucky, lucky I am. And it has to end, right? And now our relationship will change, but it will be just as sweet. Just different, and that's okay.
Do I sound convincing?
What I will miss when I return to work is obvious. My baby girl is slowly moving out of the fragile, baby stage into the fun, exciting stage. Everything she does enthralls her. Finding her feet, pulling on her tights, trying her darndest to flip onto her tummy. I'll just plain miss watching her. And holding her. Our new fun thing is to look at mirrors. I hold her and she grins and grins, trying to figure it out. Is mommy holding me, or is she in there? So fun.
At six and a half months, Camille is just awesome. She can flip from her tummy to her back without a pause and just recently learned that her feet will reach all the way to her mouth. She is eating rice cereal and seems to really enjoy the new texture and taste. She is a bouncing machine in her jumperoo and adores the pink bear that Grannie and Grandpa gave her that sings. She falls asleep for her naps within minutes and can sleep all night without needing attention from us. She still wakes up periodically, but can put herself back to sleep in usually 10 minutes.
She is constantly smiling. When she wakes up, when she eats, when playing with a toy, when looking at Teddy. My favorite is when we put her on the changing table to get her sleep sack on before bed. Daddy reads from a book while I get her in the sleep sack and she always looks back towards him the second you lay her down, because she's looking for Bill to start reading. And she grins this huge grin. Baby Girl loves her daddy.
It will be so amazing to have Bill take over because he is the kind of dad every kid wants. He is goofy, he is fun, he is devoted, and he completely adores her. Bill will now understand how fast time can really go.
Even though there is so much that I will miss there are actually some things that I will not miss.
1. Washing baby dishes. I pump and give her a bottle every time I feed her. That equals a lot of pump parts and bottles to wash and sterilize. My hands are like sand paper. When Camille goes down for her nap, I spend 20 minutes washing everything. I will not miss that.
2. Playing the guessing game. What time will she wake up? How long will she sleep? When will she want to eat? If she wakes up at this time, will we have time to eat before we need to leave? What if she only sleeps 35 minutes? Will we need another nap before dinner? Ugh.
3. Teddy's eyes. That dog has been staring at me with those huge chocolate eyes for months with such a look of disappointment. I'm home, yet he is ignored. He doesn't even get excited about walks anymore because they are so infrequent (thank you rain and unpredictable schedule).
4. The elusive nap. I am a terrible napper. A nap has to find me, not the other way around. I'll be just starting to drift, you know that moment that feels so good as you are just starting to fall asleep? Then I hear her on the monitor. Bill always seems mystified that I didn't take more naps during my maternity leave, especially when I was up three times a night. My naps now will be intentional. And successful. And probably just as infrequent.
5. Online shopping. It is so, so easy, and so, so dangerous. I need a new book. Zing! It arrives on my doorstep. Camille needs a new _____. Zing! Two days later it is here! I've never been patient and free two day shipping at Amazon is a scary, scary thing for stay at home mommies.
6. Grizzly, Chaucer, and Emmy. Those damn (sorry) dogs have been driving me apeshit since Camille's napping became more predictable. Grizzly is the German Shepherd with completely moronic owners who let him run around off leash. Grizzly thinks people calling him or trying to get him to come in is a hilarious game, which makes his owners yelling "Grizzly" constantly completely counterproductive, as Grizzly just runs the other way. Chaucer and Emmy are the dogs across the street who are never allowed off leash or out of their yard and bark non stop when they see Grizzly strutting around the street or turning cookies in our grass. Miraculously they've never woken Camille but they've caused my blood pressure to sky rocket, made even worse when I talk to Grizzly's owners and hear, "We try to get him in and he never comes." Maddening.
That's it. Those things are the ONLY things I will not miss. Everything else I will miss terribly. Camille and I will never get to spend this much one on one time together again unless one of us is sick, which would completely suck. I am completely blessed to have been able to spend 7 months with her and I know how lucky, lucky, lucky I am. And it has to end, right? And now our relationship will change, but it will be just as sweet. Just different, and that's okay.
Do I sound convincing?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Blockhead
I looked up online to find out that Black Ironwood is the densest, hardest wood on the planet, but I should have known because my head is made of it. Remember that last post I wrote? The one about sleep? The one where I am perplexed at why people always ask me if my baby is hungry? Well, back to that dome of wood that sits atop my shoulders...she was.
We went to the doctor for her 6 month appointment and discovered that she's only gained 3 ounces in a month. She should have gained a pound. Her percentile has dropped from 20% to 7% in weight. The doctor asked me to talk about her feedings and I told her how Camille often cries when I switch sides and sometimes takes 5 minutes or more to calm down after a feeding. I thought she needed help burping since she's always been a lousy burper. Then doctor asked if she does that after her nightly bottle. No, she doesn't. Because she's not hungry after her bottle.
In my defense, I never had production problems before and she eats at least every 2-3 hours. But apparently I have some production problems now which is why she hasn't been gaining weight. She's getting enough calories to support her length gain and head circumference gain, which are both right on target, but there isn't anything left to add to those squishy cheeks and nummy thighs.
I can feel bad all I want but the more important thing to do is to get her back on track, which is fairly simple: just give her a bottle chaser after she breastfeeds. We have milk stored in the freezer and Camille will eat formula, so this shouldn't be a problem at all. In fact, after her last feeding, she chugged a full 6 ounces from the bottle. (That is about what she eats for her nighttime feeding and she ate that in addition to breastfeeding.)
I know it isn't my fault but I feel like such a nitwit.
We went to the doctor for her 6 month appointment and discovered that she's only gained 3 ounces in a month. She should have gained a pound. Her percentile has dropped from 20% to 7% in weight. The doctor asked me to talk about her feedings and I told her how Camille often cries when I switch sides and sometimes takes 5 minutes or more to calm down after a feeding. I thought she needed help burping since she's always been a lousy burper. Then doctor asked if she does that after her nightly bottle. No, she doesn't. Because she's not hungry after her bottle.
In my defense, I never had production problems before and she eats at least every 2-3 hours. But apparently I have some production problems now which is why she hasn't been gaining weight. She's getting enough calories to support her length gain and head circumference gain, which are both right on target, but there isn't anything left to add to those squishy cheeks and nummy thighs.
I can feel bad all I want but the more important thing to do is to get her back on track, which is fairly simple: just give her a bottle chaser after she breastfeeds. We have milk stored in the freezer and Camille will eat formula, so this shouldn't be a problem at all. In fact, after her last feeding, she chugged a full 6 ounces from the bottle. (That is about what she eats for her nighttime feeding and she ate that in addition to breastfeeding.)
I know it isn't my fault but I feel like such a nitwit.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Bleary-eyed
Sigh. To say the last couple of weeks have been a little tough is like saying the Olson twins are a little thin. Or Edgar Allen Poe is a little dark. Or...you get the idea. Three weeks ago our sweet little Camille had a major change in terms of sleeping and the result is a very tired and stressed-out quartet of Burels. I think what makes this so difficult is we're almost 6 months into this game, and this is a whole new strategy from Baby Burel. And we did NOT see it coming. Well played, my love, well played.
It started with Camille's naps suddenly dropping down to 30 minutes. For those of you not obsessed with infant sleep, at this age a baby should sleep roughly 10 hours at night and anywhere from 3-5 hours during the day, depending on which expert you are reading at the time. The 3-5 hours of daytime sleep is usually in the form of 3-4 naps. So quite obviously, Camille's 30 minute nap regime was not sufficient daytime sleep. Even if she took 5 naps (which she does) it still isn't hitting the minimum daytime sleep hours. And 5 naps a day is really annoying.
I tried everything to extend her naps. The Baby Whisperer offered the "pick up/put down" strategy, which is (duh) picking up the baby when she cried and immediately putting her down when she stops. Rinse and repeat until baby is asleep. I tried that for awhile and only once succeeded in extending her nap by 15 minutes. And it took 30 minutes to do so. The Baby Whisperer recommends "wake to sleep" as a technique to extend naps. Gently stirring the baby before she wakes up at 30 minutes supposedly resets her meter and allows her to sleep through to the next sleep cycle. That one never worked, instead it just took a couple minutes off her 30 minute nap. The Baby Whisperer suggests "sitting", thoughtfully named for the technique of sitting with the baby without moving or engaging until she is asleep. I still do that but it doesn't extend naps, it is just part of our naptime routine. I tried a bunch of things from the No Cry Nap Solution, but all I can remember is giving Camille a "lovey", creating a consistent routine and buying blackout shades.
After about a week of this, Camille's nighttime sleep also changed. She'd been going down around 7pm after a set routine. Bill and I would put her in our bed to start out the night and then move her. We did this because she was screaming for several hours a little over a month ago and laying on the bed with her put her to sleep quickly. After the change in naps, laying on the bed became problematic because she would wake during transfer. No amount of consoling and soothing would put her back to sleep and after a few nights of that, I was going mad. A baby screaming in your ear for 2 hours is no fun. Again, I think what made it so bad was it was a change from her previous behavior. Who was this child?
Feeling like we had no other choices, we looked into the Ferber method. For those of you not versed in infant sleep strategies, Ferber used to be known as the "cry it out" method and was pretty controversial at the time. It also has had a hard time overcoming that reputation. We decided to go ahead and do it since she was screaming anyway. Ferber suggests progressive waiting, which means putting baby down, soothing a short time after that and gradually extending the wait time.
After buying the book and reading about the method we were convinced this is the right thing to do, just unsure if it is the right time to do it. Ferber suggests not using progressive waiting until the baby is 4-6 months old. Camille is 5 and a half months, but because of her preemie-ness she is four months and 3 days as of today. Another problem is she could still need a feeding during the night. A lot of experts say that the baby doesn't need a feeding in the middle of the night past 6 months.
We trudged ahead because again, we felt we had no choices. What we were doing was not working, was making everyone crazy and sleep deprived. So we started. We decided we would no longer put her in our bed. We also stopped the swaddle. We agreed that if she woke during the night, I would feed her once. The first two nights were pretty hard. She went down easy but woke quickly after 30-45 minutes. She cried for 50 minutes. She woke again later that night, after midnight and I fed her. She then cried 50 minutes. For two nights it was a variation of that pattern. Teddy would whine in his crate. I was curled up in a ball sobbing. Bill was listening to his whole family cry.
It got better after the second night. Still wake ups, but less crying to go back to sleep. She also had two amazing morning naps, 90 minutes for one and 2 and a half hours for another! I thought we'd maybe turned a corner. Then last night.
Down easy, cries that lasted less than a minute. Then she woke up at 12:20. Pretty early for her night feeding and she'd eaten 9 ounces before bed, so I decided we should let her cry rather than me nursing her back to sleep. She cried for over an hour. Bill was confused why I'd changed the plan. When he said that, I got up and fed her and she fell asleep quickly. And woke again at 3:45. And cried until 5 when I got her up. We ate, dressed and played. She was incredibly tired but I got her to stay up until 6:30. Her usual morning nap is at 8. I'm not sure what this is going to do to her routine today. Should be interesting. I feel bad for me, as I've had almost no sleep but I feel worse for Bill who is greeting 8th graders this morning on just as little sleep as me.
We're not sure how to adjust the plan, but I've learned some things the last couple of weeks.
1. You can't make a baby stay awake or go to sleep. You can try, but if they stay awake or go to sleep, don't think you had anything to do with it.
2. People who don't have young children assume that kids are always hungry. They never guess that the baby is tired. Before I had a baby, I probably assumed hunger too. With my baby, she is usually tired. In fact, if Camille is crying it is one of 3 things, in this order:
1) she's tired
2) something else is wrong and by the time you figure it out, it won't be bothering her anymore
3) she's hungry
People often ask me when she is crying if she is hungry. It is usually less than an hour after I've fed her. I wonder why no one ever asks if she is tired.
3. Regardless of what people think, I really appreciate those people who offer support, not criticism. When you are in the thick of it, "Why don't you..." kind of makes the hairs on my neck stand up, especially if it is accompanied by a "Well we never/always...". My parents have been incredible since Camille was born. Though I'm sure they have opinions about how Bill and I are doing things, they have never said one thing about any of our decisions. Instead, they just ask questions, offer encouragement, and tell us we're doing a great job. They probably have a ton to say about it in the car ride on the way home, but they've never once criticized in any way.
4. Sleep training is hard on the whole family. Without sleep, I get very emotional and have a hard time dealing with stressful situations, like a baby screaming in my ear for two hours. Without sleep, Bill has a hard time dealing with 150 8th graders. When forced to listen to a crying baby for hours on end, Teddy gets stressed out. He had a gastro incident this week that prompted a vet visit. $150, two shots, and two prescriptions later, it was determined that it was likely caused by stress. So sleep training gives Teddy diarrhea.
We'll figure out what is best for this family. One thing that is so clear about parenthood is that what is right for one family may be wrong for another and vice versa. That is why there are so many experts and stupid books. This mama likes things a little more clear cut which is why this has been the most challenging thing I've done in my life.
In the meantime, somethings haven't changed. Camille is still the prettiest baby I have ever seen. Her smile is starting to turn into a laugh, which is glorious. Her eyes light up when you walk into a room and her fingers curl around my shirt while she's nursing. She is a delight and when she happens to be having a great stretch of sleep, I find myself missing her. I mean, look at this child:
It started with Camille's naps suddenly dropping down to 30 minutes. For those of you not obsessed with infant sleep, at this age a baby should sleep roughly 10 hours at night and anywhere from 3-5 hours during the day, depending on which expert you are reading at the time. The 3-5 hours of daytime sleep is usually in the form of 3-4 naps. So quite obviously, Camille's 30 minute nap regime was not sufficient daytime sleep. Even if she took 5 naps (which she does) it still isn't hitting the minimum daytime sleep hours. And 5 naps a day is really annoying.
I tried everything to extend her naps. The Baby Whisperer offered the "pick up/put down" strategy, which is (duh) picking up the baby when she cried and immediately putting her down when she stops. Rinse and repeat until baby is asleep. I tried that for awhile and only once succeeded in extending her nap by 15 minutes. And it took 30 minutes to do so. The Baby Whisperer recommends "wake to sleep" as a technique to extend naps. Gently stirring the baby before she wakes up at 30 minutes supposedly resets her meter and allows her to sleep through to the next sleep cycle. That one never worked, instead it just took a couple minutes off her 30 minute nap. The Baby Whisperer suggests "sitting", thoughtfully named for the technique of sitting with the baby without moving or engaging until she is asleep. I still do that but it doesn't extend naps, it is just part of our naptime routine. I tried a bunch of things from the No Cry Nap Solution, but all I can remember is giving Camille a "lovey", creating a consistent routine and buying blackout shades.
After about a week of this, Camille's nighttime sleep also changed. She'd been going down around 7pm after a set routine. Bill and I would put her in our bed to start out the night and then move her. We did this because she was screaming for several hours a little over a month ago and laying on the bed with her put her to sleep quickly. After the change in naps, laying on the bed became problematic because she would wake during transfer. No amount of consoling and soothing would put her back to sleep and after a few nights of that, I was going mad. A baby screaming in your ear for 2 hours is no fun. Again, I think what made it so bad was it was a change from her previous behavior. Who was this child?
Feeling like we had no other choices, we looked into the Ferber method. For those of you not versed in infant sleep strategies, Ferber used to be known as the "cry it out" method and was pretty controversial at the time. It also has had a hard time overcoming that reputation. We decided to go ahead and do it since she was screaming anyway. Ferber suggests progressive waiting, which means putting baby down, soothing a short time after that and gradually extending the wait time.
After buying the book and reading about the method we were convinced this is the right thing to do, just unsure if it is the right time to do it. Ferber suggests not using progressive waiting until the baby is 4-6 months old. Camille is 5 and a half months, but because of her preemie-ness she is four months and 3 days as of today. Another problem is she could still need a feeding during the night. A lot of experts say that the baby doesn't need a feeding in the middle of the night past 6 months.
We trudged ahead because again, we felt we had no choices. What we were doing was not working, was making everyone crazy and sleep deprived. So we started. We decided we would no longer put her in our bed. We also stopped the swaddle. We agreed that if she woke during the night, I would feed her once. The first two nights were pretty hard. She went down easy but woke quickly after 30-45 minutes. She cried for 50 minutes. She woke again later that night, after midnight and I fed her. She then cried 50 minutes. For two nights it was a variation of that pattern. Teddy would whine in his crate. I was curled up in a ball sobbing. Bill was listening to his whole family cry.
It got better after the second night. Still wake ups, but less crying to go back to sleep. She also had two amazing morning naps, 90 minutes for one and 2 and a half hours for another! I thought we'd maybe turned a corner. Then last night.
Down easy, cries that lasted less than a minute. Then she woke up at 12:20. Pretty early for her night feeding and she'd eaten 9 ounces before bed, so I decided we should let her cry rather than me nursing her back to sleep. She cried for over an hour. Bill was confused why I'd changed the plan. When he said that, I got up and fed her and she fell asleep quickly. And woke again at 3:45. And cried until 5 when I got her up. We ate, dressed and played. She was incredibly tired but I got her to stay up until 6:30. Her usual morning nap is at 8. I'm not sure what this is going to do to her routine today. Should be interesting. I feel bad for me, as I've had almost no sleep but I feel worse for Bill who is greeting 8th graders this morning on just as little sleep as me.
We're not sure how to adjust the plan, but I've learned some things the last couple of weeks.
1. You can't make a baby stay awake or go to sleep. You can try, but if they stay awake or go to sleep, don't think you had anything to do with it.
2. People who don't have young children assume that kids are always hungry. They never guess that the baby is tired. Before I had a baby, I probably assumed hunger too. With my baby, she is usually tired. In fact, if Camille is crying it is one of 3 things, in this order:
1) she's tired
2) something else is wrong and by the time you figure it out, it won't be bothering her anymore
3) she's hungry
People often ask me when she is crying if she is hungry. It is usually less than an hour after I've fed her. I wonder why no one ever asks if she is tired.
3. Regardless of what people think, I really appreciate those people who offer support, not criticism. When you are in the thick of it, "Why don't you..." kind of makes the hairs on my neck stand up, especially if it is accompanied by a "Well we never/always...". My parents have been incredible since Camille was born. Though I'm sure they have opinions about how Bill and I are doing things, they have never said one thing about any of our decisions. Instead, they just ask questions, offer encouragement, and tell us we're doing a great job. They probably have a ton to say about it in the car ride on the way home, but they've never once criticized in any way.
4. Sleep training is hard on the whole family. Without sleep, I get very emotional and have a hard time dealing with stressful situations, like a baby screaming in my ear for two hours. Without sleep, Bill has a hard time dealing with 150 8th graders. When forced to listen to a crying baby for hours on end, Teddy gets stressed out. He had a gastro incident this week that prompted a vet visit. $150, two shots, and two prescriptions later, it was determined that it was likely caused by stress. So sleep training gives Teddy diarrhea.
We'll figure out what is best for this family. One thing that is so clear about parenthood is that what is right for one family may be wrong for another and vice versa. That is why there are so many experts and stupid books. This mama likes things a little more clear cut which is why this has been the most challenging thing I've done in my life.
In the meantime, somethings haven't changed. Camille is still the prettiest baby I have ever seen. Her smile is starting to turn into a laugh, which is glorious. Her eyes light up when you walk into a room and her fingers curl around my shirt while she's nursing. She is a delight and when she happens to be having a great stretch of sleep, I find myself missing her. I mean, look at this child:
Amazing.
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