Diapering 101

New parents may want to take note of this. I wish someone had warned me!

Note: This applies to newborns. It may apply to older children but my experience is only with newborns.

When you are changing an infant you basically follow the following steps:

1. Remove old diaper.
2. Clean baby's bum.
3. Put on clean diaper.

Unfortunately, several steps have been omitted, so I shall add them to the list.

1. Remove baby's adorable outfit. This involves finding all the snaps which are often hidden on ridiculously cute outfits. If you started with a sleeping baby, she will likely be stirring at this point. Moving quickly will help, but is rather pointless because baby will soon be what you call a "Wiggle Monster."
2. Place new diaper underneath old diaper. This is an important step the nurse showed us in the hospital. Reason why will become obvious later.
3. Have wipes at the ready. We use gauze pads from the hospital for wet bums and wipes for messy bums. Saves baby's skin a little. Have both wipes ready because until completing step #4, you don't know which one you will need.
4. Remove old diaper. You should now know which type of wipe to use. It is important to have followed step #2 because as you are removing old diaper, baby will likely wiggle and if messy bum touches changing pad, you have to change it.
5. Clean baby's bum. At this point, baby will be wiggling around which makes this one of the hardest steps. Most people will advise you to put both baby's feet in one hand and lift slightly to provide access to bum. I would concur that this is indeed the easiest way to clean bum, but I would like to add a very strong warning to everyone here. Hopefully you followed step #2 for this part. When you collect baby's feet and lift up you are essentially creating a cannon. Be careful where you point baby's bum because if baby wasn't quite done filling her diaper, the slight lift puts pressure on tummy and may cause baby to fire off a poop missile. If you're lucky, the ammo will land on the clean diaper. If you are unlucky, which come on kids, this is me we're talking about, the weapon will shoot out and land on the wall, changing pad, diaper pail and your arm and completely miss the clean diaper underneath.
5a. If necessary, use clean diaper underneath to defend against poop missile.
5b. Stop laughing.
5c. If necessary, take another clean diaper and place under now soiled diaper.
5d. Remove soiled diaper. Ignore poop on wall and changing pad at this point because what choice do you have?
5e. Repeat step 5 (clean baby's bum) and pray baby is out of ammo.
6. Put on clean diaper. Baby is now wiggling like a worm who just finished a double espresso, so this becomes the most challenging step. Not only do you have to continue hanging on to baby, you also have to adjust diaper and make sure to avoid any stray poop from the poop missile. Baby will not accommodate you by relaxing legs or holding still. Diapers are relatively easy to put on, provided baby is asleep, you have positioned it perfectly, and you don't have poop on hands.
7. Once baby is diapered, use wipe to remove poop from arm and use hand sanitizer.
8. If changing station is too covered in poop, pick up baby, put baby in bassinet for safe keeping, remove soiled linens from changing station and replace with clean. Come back to the wall when baby is asleep.
9. Wash hands.
10. Retrieve baby from bassinet and return to clean changing station.
11. Choose another ridiculously cute outfit. Baby is wiggling and probably squawking by now, so the cuteness of the outfit should be determined by the level of irritation of the baby. The cuter the outfit, the more complicated it will be to put on. The more annoyed the baby, the more wiggly the baby. Not sure the math problem there, but you should take all factors into consideration.
12. Dress baby. You can make fish faces and clicking noises. You can coo at baby. You can nuzzle baby's round and adorable tummy. None of this will calm baby but it will make you feel better.
13. Pick up baby in one arm and attempt to prepare a blanket for swaddling with one hand. Preparing a blanket means laying it flat and folding one corner down.
14. Swaddle baby. Baby might calm down at this point.
15. Pick up swaddled, clean, ridiculously cute baby and snuggle. Laugh when baby fills her pants while cuddling and remember that baby grows up too fast, and soon you will miss these moments.

Oh yeah, don't forget poop on the wall.