Sometimes it just feels crappy...and that's all it is.

I spent a good part of today trying to rationalize why I feel lousy.  Why is it that when we feel bad we try to figure out who or what to blame?  Like there must be an explanation for feeling blue. We can't just feel blue because we do but there must be some REASON why.  Are we obligated to be happy and positive all the time?  I've blamed feeling low on hormones.  (Guys, please note that under no circumstances are you to EVER blame a woman's mood on hormones.  Women are the only ones allowed to do that.)  I've claimed that I feel low because of lack of sleep.  Lack of exercise is also often the recipient of blame.  Sometimes I blame other people.  

But very rarely, if ever, do I just say, "I feel like crap."  Period.  Without an explanation or list of excuses.  

Today isn't the day either.  I know why I feel down and glum and sad.   I blame it on life.  

Most of the time I find life a joy to live.  I love my husband and our home.  I truly enjoy what I do for a living.  I have a great many friends who never stop reminding me why I choose to have them in my life.  I'm healthy.  My husband is healthy.   We have a sweetie pie dog, cars that are paid for, families that love us.  We're lucky.

I feel like complaining or feeling bad isn't allowed because really, what do I have to complain about? 

And then today, for no particular reason, I can't get my mind off troubles and worries and fears and all other kinds of negative emotions.  In church on Sunday we heard how to worry means to lack faith in God.  We should use the gifts and tools God gave us, not sit idly by and let a tree fall on us, but to worry really accomplishes nothing.  I believe that.  Doesn't mean I can turn of the old worry switch.  Heck, I can't even find my worry switch.  I don't know who keeps turning it on but I don't feel like I have any control over it.

I'm worried about my job.  Education in our state has taken, is taking and will continue to take a hit, just like a lot of other industries.  Worse case scenario is I'm out of a job.  Best case scenario is many of my colleagues are out of a job and we take a pretty significant pay cut. Neither of those situations is good.  I don't know what is going to happen so my imagination takes over.  I have a vivid imagination.  I can't do anything other than pray that God give the president, the governor, the legislature, the school administrations and everyone else involved the wisdom to make good decisions for kids, educators and taxpayers.

We just started year two of trying to have a family and I'm really starting to get discouraged. Talk about out of my hands!  Last year was really hard and even though we did and are doing everything right, we keep getting reminded that so much about what happens to us isn't in our control.  

I really hate that.  I think that may be the hardest part.  If you have experienced or can imagine an emotion that a person/couple would feel when trying to have children, suffering loss and other challenges, well, I've felt that.  But knowing that regardless of how much I want this, how hard we try, how carefully I take care of myself and how closely I monitor the whole process, it really is out of my hands.  

So, since I can't do anything about the things in my life that are making me feel scared, out of control, powerless, et cetera...I choose instead to dig deep, and revel in the joy in my life. 

(In no particular order...)

1.  My dog, panting after a long walk, yet racing to find his frizbee, because there is always more fun to be had.

2.  Jon Stewart.

3.  My friends, who can make me dissolve into giggles or howl with laughter any time I see them and don't hesitate to comfort me and tell me it will be okay.

4.  My husband, who I am still amazed chose me. 

5.  My family, who support me and love me and are always cheering me on.

6.  Coffee.  And chocolate.  Preferably both.

7.  Flowers, especially yellow ones.