Einstein said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Obviously Einstein was never up at night with an infant because he quickly would have changed his definition to say that insanity is trying to reason with a baby in the middle of the night. Total effing insanity.
It has to be insanity. Only an insane person would sweetly try to convince an obviously hungry baby that accepting the boob placed in her face would make her happier as she is clawing with her baby nails at the same boob with one hand while repeatedly smacking said boob with the other.
Only an insane person would keep trying because she KNOWS the baby is hungry only to have the baby clamp down on the nipple with her little gums, twist her head back and forth (with nipple securely clamped in her mouth) and then scream a muffled scream (because the nipple is still in her mouth).
Insanity must be the explanation for the person who tries to convince this baby that she will feel better if she would just eat as the baby is glaring at that person and then fills her pants up. Insanity is the only thing that makes sense for the person to then say, "Oh, you must feel better! Now you'll want to eat because I know you're hungry!"
It has to be insanity that would lead the person to take the baby to the changing table and sweetly ask the baby to "hold still" in order to avoid getting poop everywhere as the baby, hungry, writhes back and forth wishing she had the nipple back.
It could only be insanity that would lead someone to reason with the baby that now that she is clean, she surely must want to eat. As they try again, baby, instead of taking the boob gratefully rather closes her eyes and takes a little snooze.
Now the insane person takes the baby to the other room to rock her, only to have her wake up and start squawking in a rhythmic fashion every three seconds. Insanely she tries to reason with the baby by bouncing her and shushing in her ear, only to have her continue to protest. At last, the insane person desperately offers the boob one more time, only to have the baby take it happily, munch away, and then promptly fall asleep.
The insane person says, "Wouldn't that have been easier if Baby listened to me in the first place?" Reasonable, non-insane husband would offer this explanation helpfully, "Well, she's just a baby."
Shut up, you. You and your sane, reasonable comments. When you're on the receiving end of a screaming, red-faced, beautiful baby who is clawing at your boobs and beating you on the chest only to poop all over herself, requiring a diaper and pajama change, THEN I might listen to you. When you are doing this on zero sleep, night after night, only then MIGHT I be convinced that a reasonable, sane explanation for this behavior could be that she is "just a baby."
In the meantime, where's my straightjacket?
No comments:
Post a Comment